Sunday Miscellany: Better Myths

One of my favorite things about the internet is the ability to shout at it WITH CAPS. And also the amount of witty people there are playing here. It's like the world's giantest sandbox of fun things, and everyone has their own corner and sometimes we find the awesome thing another person is making and then we must SHARE IT.

Like this guy
This guy whose name I do not know
I know only that he makes me giggle
Uncontrollably

Basically, this super-educated guy is re-writing myths, legends, and literature for the NSFW crowd.

And

It

Is

Amazeballs

He has included some Shakespeare with, I think, an interesting perspective. Below are the current Bard's Best he's written up, with my favorite quotes from each of his summaries. Please enjoy your Sunday afternoon exploring his delightfully crass style of storytelling!

• Macbeth is a Pussy

so Macbeth gets home and Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND WE MUST MURDER THE KING
and Macbeth is like whoa
whoa
where did all these balls come from
i am seriously about to trip on them this is unpleasant

• Hamlet is Very Bad at Revenge

hits up some of Hamlet’s old bros named Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
who I think shakespeare named specifically to fuck with my typing fingers
and he’s like hey guys
Hamlet’s wandering around getting crazy all over my nice palace
i’ll totally pay you to take him out for some beers and make him chill the fuck out
and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are like NO PROBLEM BRO
and OFF THEY GO
but it turns out Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are not licensed psychiatrists
and are thus TOTALLY USELESS WHEN DEALING WITH HAMLET

• Romeo and Juliet are Doing It Wrong

but no worries guys
here comes Friar Lawrence
enabling ALL your bad teenage decisions

• The Taming of the Shrew is Just the Right Amount of Ludicrously Sexist

plus Petruchio is starving her and depriving her of sleep
literally 
he is doing things that are specifically banned in the geneva convention
pretty sure
he straight WILL NOT GIVE HER MEAT
and he sits up every night
so that whenever she falls asleep he can just start SCREAMING UNTIL SHE WAKES UP
THIS IS STRAIGHT HORRIFIC TORTURE
THIS IS NOT A COMEDY ANYMORE THIS IS FUCKING TERRIFYING

• A Midsummer Night's Dream is About a Bunch of Teens Running Around in the Woods But No One Has a Chainsaw

guys
if there was every any doubt that it was shakespeare who wrote these plays
instead of some fancy rich asshole with too much time on his hands
NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER is all the proof you need
to convince you that no educated person would be caught dead near this theatrical clusterfuck
so lemme get this straight
you’re writing a play set in athens
your characters are named things like Theseus
Helena
and NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER
that’s like if you wrote a play set in the stone age with a bunch of cavemen
and one of them was named PROFESSOR MCBUTTS THE ASTROPHYSICIST
actually could someone please write that play